My Dad.

May 11th marked 7 years since my Dad passed on.

The pain lessens as years fly by, but the longing remains.

He was 48 and diagnosed with Liver cancer Nov 2003. Was told he would have 6 months to a year left. The cancer soon was full blown in his stomach and no amount of radiation or chemo was helping, so he stopped the treatments.

I remember the last couple months like they were yesterday. I would stay up till 3am watching over him, then my mom would wake up and take over.. and as I lay down on the floor, I would hear my Daddy say, "Where's Kia, where's my Kia?"

The last night.. There was so many family members who came over. My Dad's brothers had gotten him a suit and were putting it on him. No one knew of course that would be the last night. By this point in my Dad's illness, he was no longer sitting up, talking, or interacting with anyone.

I was SUPER upset. Because while they were putting the suit on him, he was groaning. I knew he was in pain from having to be moved around. My heart ached. I ran outside and cried.

The kids were running outside playing, though the sun had already set. As I looked up from crying, there was a football being thrown, and it glanced the top of the yard lamp. (When we were little, my dad somehow cut the electricity off from the yard lamp, cause he said it wasted electricity.) The lamp flashed! But no one saw it but me, so I thought it was just me seeing things.

Well that night after the families went home, we settled into our posts in the living room. My siblings went to sleep. My mom laid down, and my dad's brothers stayed over that night and slept in the living room too. My sleeping spot was in between the hospital bed and wall. The house became quiet. And I became very tired.

I laid down, and sleep overcame me.

I woke up in a panic and saw that the clock read 3am... I was afraid my Dad was no longer here. But I saw him struggling for breathe. I felt guilty.. that I was glad he was still with me but in pain.. Since I confirmed he was still breathing, my mom hadn't woken up to take over, so I laid back down and sleep won. About an hour later, I hear my mom shout, "Laws nws mus lawm os! Nws mus thias thias li lawm os!" ("You guys, He is gone. He is really, really gone!")

I woke up devastated. Crying and feeling like a horrible daughter who couldn't be awake when he left. I cried over him and saw that his face was at peace. He had a smile on his face. The Lord had taken him home and was welcoming him with a huge feast. The Lord was hugging him, and saying, "Welcome home faithful servant. Welcome home."

I went upstairs and woke up my sisters and my baby brother who was 10. We cried and were in so much pain.

That night since.. the lamp in the yard would turn on come evening and turn off come morning. This I knew was a sign that my Dad would watch over us. That he was still in our hearts forever.

Eleven days later, I got married. We had tried to plan the wedding so that he would be able to be present, but alas it was not so. My dad never got to see any of his girls walk down the aisle, or hold any of his grandchildren. So I am jealous of people who have kids and they still have both parents as grandparents.

I was the only blessed one.. who got to wear my wedding dress and take pictures with my dad. I got dolled up and as I came around the corner, my dad was sitting on his bed with my husband, and they both had tears rolling down their faces. And I asked my Daddy, "How do I look Daddy?"

And he said, "Beautiful. You look beautiful." The words every daughter wants to hear from their Daddy on her wedding day.

Two weeks after my wedding, we buried my dad.

So for as long as I live, I will always know how long my dad has been gone, because it is how long I have been married.

It took me a long time to forgive myself for not being awake. I was angry at myself for a long time. Upset that I couldn't even do that for my Dad on his last night.

But I know... he didn't want me to see him go. I know he wanted to save me the pain of seeing him go. Just like he wanted my mom to harden her heart and asking for me to stay up with him and not her.

Someone had asked my dad, if he would like to go with the setting of the sun, or the rising of the sun. And he had said he wanted to go with the sun rise. On that day, he went with the sun rise.

Daddy... My little Ava, Xia's AJ and Baylee, and Choua's Nevaeh and Jordan will never know your hugs, your smiles, your laughter, and your strong arms... but we will tell them your stories. We will share what a great Hero and Supporter of dreams you were. We will tell them what a strong man of God you were.

We love you Dad. We miss you so much.

If you still have a dad. Love them, accept them for who they are, and hug them tight.
No one is perfect. They surely aren't and neither are we.

This is why I love my mom. No matter how frustrating she can be, or how mad she can make me. I love her wholeheartedly. I will always be on her team. Cause she is always on mine.
Thank you Mom, for doing the best that you can do.